My Struggle with Sin...

Whoa... For a very long time i have not written anything already.... But today today today.... I just felt a need to voice my innermost feelings to God...

Lord, My God, why doth my struggle seem so hard?
That each day, new pains come and strike my already fragile heart...
For though from deep within, I desire to be yours, pure...
Yet, from my sin, heart and thoughts, it seems there be no cure...

the deepest of my desires, to serve you with my hearts every beat,
And to one day before your throne before your glory sit...
But now my heartr cries in constant agony,
For from the bonds of sin, I never seem able to get free...

And from my soul rends a heart-wrenching cry,
For now I know why my saviour had to for me die...
For alone, myself, I am mortal, weak...
Alone my war with sin is lost, alone it is bleak...

So by faith alone, I take my ground,
that Father you would have me and lead me heaven bound...
And now these pains that assail my fragile borken heart,
I know that of my marvellous story they will ever be a part...

AMEN...

I wrote this one the train back from my NAV camop in Taman Negara... As usual my stupid mind and heart was bugging me... And I was again on another low ebb... Well... I wrote something that voices EXACTLY how I felt... in the form of a psalm... (Orientaion - Disorientation - New Orientation)...

May the Lord, continue to calm the ragingf tempest that swirl in my heart, that it may be a sanctified throne unto His glory...

About a girl.... (Dun ask who...)

Though your eyes, they be like stars that lighten up the night,

Though your smile, to others bring reassurance, that everything will be alright.

Though your face, wonderfully constructed, that it may move many a man's heart,

Though your body, so well built, that none can tear their gaze apart.

Yet all these beauties together cannot compare,

To that which is in you, your soul and spirit which is there.

Though your face may move men to labour,

But for your soul did our Jesus suffer.

Though for your eyes have the ancients many a year sought,

But it is your gentleness that may move men to God.

Though your smile may light up a dreary man's day,

But your love brings more comfort than any word's can say,.

Though your body may stir a man in his lust,

But it is your prayerful spirit that shows in you can I trust.

So take heart for above all earthly beauties that be,

Though these you possess, so do you possess them that men sometimes cannot see.

And your beauty on that day when My Lord returns,

Shall shine through all the places, both earth and the heavens.

That is the beauty that I see within you deep,

And may you for no other beauty, in your life seek...

I was going through some of my old poems and I stumbled upon this one... This is the only poem I have ever written that was not specifically between God and me... I think its one of my best!!! :) Wrote it for someone some time ago... Means something to me... Doubt anyone would read it, now that I so long never blog here already....

But if anyone reads this (And I guess the person I wrote it for), I pray that this is the beauty that you will seek... T'is all that matters...

Never Blog for very Long... I'm Back...

God, I love YOU!!!

Father I am so confused,
My heart a raging storm.
Emptiness is everywhere,
Deep inside I feel forlorn.

I see my heart's desire,
So close and yet out of reach.
And my heart wrenches,
Sadness does it teach...

Yet through all that happens,
There is one standing by.
By beloved maker Jesus,
Watching me cry.

And through it all i realise,
My body in his arms curled.
T'is for him I live and die,
My life totally surrendered.

Today I begin with a simple one... For I remember... T'is not the words that matter... For they are nothing more than my expression of love for you....

The battlefield...

There is war on going, in a field far away,
Many people have died, on that field many bodies lay.
I too have made that trip to stand,I have draw arms and fight,
To remain steadfast and defend what I know is right.

I have given my life to be part of this war,
My time forsaken, so that I can prepare more.
The cause : The souls of all on this earth,
The fighters : Many are called but few truly serve.

And I shall remain on this field all the days of my life,
Giving my all, for victory I strive.
But yet my wounds are numerous and bleeding,
Each day, it hurts just to stand, everywhere am I hurting...

And on the floor I crawl, all my edifices flowing out with blood,
And I feel I cannot go on, and I lay me down in the mud.
But then I raise my head, and glance at that distant hill,
And I see that awesome cross, that which my future sealed.

And I remember the wonderful words, that my saviour said,
"Hold the fort my child, I will be back one day!"
And I muster all I have, with him who gives me strength,
And raise the banner once more, of Jehovah, whom I thank.

And all the wounds, that bleed and suck my life dry,
I feel are covered up with tenderness, by my Saviour Jesus Christ.
And a new blood is given that flows through my veins,
The blood of Jesus, the blood of one who reigns.

And so my friends, join me on this lonesome battlefield,
For it is here, you shall know Jesus, and your total life yield.
Place your trust in him my friend,
Such love unbeknowest shall he to you send.

I have not blogged in this page for very long... Sigh... Lost my prose for a while... Have been on the battlefield and was losing a bit too much blood for me to write poetry... Well I AM BACK!!!... Still on the battlefield, but upheld by He who loves me...

Join me on the battlefield... It is the only place that you will come to know that God is real... Stake your all in him and you will not be dissapointed... How to build faith if you are not fighting for him?

Lord I love You... May I never stop striving till you return, and I shall rest perfect in your arms...

Oh Christ, My Life...

Every single thing I undertake,
Every single move I make,
What is it for, what use it?
When on that day, this earthly life I quit?

There be no more desire to see my story told,
Ah, for the end be the same, my life to death sold.
When I stand, I sit, be there a purpose?
My life, to me a blessing or to me a curse?

But now I know the reason, that I doth breathe life,
I know why, I strive and persevere through all worldy strife...
T'is for Christ and his glory, that I breathe my each breath,
T'is for Christ and his kingdom, that I would not yet meet death.

T'is not in service, that I gain my joy,
T'is not in just worship that do I enjoy.
T'is not the word alone that runneth my cup over,
T'is not just in prayer, that my happiness is sure...

But it is on loving and being with my King,
That is all it takes to stir my heart to sing.
And that is what id missing, in so many a lonesome soul,
Ah... If they would just come to him, their joy would overflow...

So, Jesus, my Lord, never leave my side,
And towards your final glory, do I on your wings ride.
And I declare, I live for only one,
Jesus, you're my Lord, your glory shining like the sun...


Everyday, I get assaulted by mine and the enemies thoughts...

Why do I live? Where is the peace and joy of my life? Why is each moment on earth seemingly so painful?

And I just revert my eyes back onto Christ... It is He alone, that is the reason that I live... my joy cometh not in the reading of the bible, or in prayer, or in service... It comes from my faith and love in my living God and all of that is just the way I express it..

God... Never let me stop loving you... Please... Otherwise, there be nothing left to live for... Imay never get what I want on earth... But I have you... and I love you... Thus have I chosen... Thus shall I live...

I love you God...

No Wait too Long...

Lord, I long with desires that blossom deep inside,
Many so painful and yet the pain do I have to hide.
I long for something, with every breath of my soul,
That this desire constantly threaten to swallow me whole.

My thoughts, they rage, my emotions in civil war,
And though I try my best, it causes pain I can't ignore.
I fall down 'pon my face and let out a wrenching cry,
Then I whimper, with tears flowing and let out to God a sigh.

I have heard He is faithful and doeth all good things,
And joy may only come in total trust of him.
He is El Odam, the everlasting God,
The Jehovah Shalom, the peace for so long I have sought.

And so I trust in God, though in this life I may not see,
All that I desire, come finally to me.
But I wait in anticipation for that Final Day,
For heaven is my reward, if I live for him today.

And so I wait for my earthly desires, be it a day, a year, a life,
For only God knows if my desires be fulfilled if the time ever be rife.
For no wait be too long,
To know that in my Father's plan I belong.

Lord... Whenever I am down, the evil one knows exactly where to attack me...

Lord, waiting on you is so hard. But I look at all the other Christian saints, they too waited...
Frances Schaeffer waited 4 years. Jim Elliot waited 7 years. Many, Many others I can name waited...

Lord I do not care how long I have to wait, a day, a year, or even if my desire is never fulfilled on this earth (Perhaps it be my thorn?). For there is no wait that is too long, that I would rather be out of your plan... Not my will but thine Oh Lord!!! Thus is truly my cry.

You know that I have only one last strong earthly desire, and You know what that is...
And You know that my requirements be high because of the way I have chosen to live my life, totally dedicated to you. That desire must be totally surrendered, both by me and that desire itself if ever it shall be fulfilled. And thus of course do I pray for the fulfillment of my desire. But followed by a resounding, NOT MY WILL BUT THINE! For only you knwo if it may be fulfilled only in a matter of days, months, years or perhapos never.

For perfect me in my trust in you, that I may find true peace and joy and the loving arms my my Christ. For even as now I study the lives of the modern day saints, Lord, may I be like them, that when they came to know you, they can safely say, as Paul, t'is no longer I that liveth, but Christ that liveth in me...

For there is no cell nor member in my entire body, that can deny the truth and existence of Christ, and so for Him shall I live... And may I always do so...

In Christ Most precious name I pray,
Amen...

Thank you Lord, for Your Hesed... T'is that that keeps me going...


"我不在乎人生孤独，
我有耶稣爱我，耶稣于我同住。"
(Writing Chinese characters is really hard...)

My Strength...

Heavy burdens weigh in, as I run this lonesome race,
I cry, "When oh Lord, will someone come and match my pace?
When will someone join me, to fight the fight of faith,
To be my co-worker as we for lost souls raid?"

I am so burdened, seven days not enough for me,
My work overwhelming, my time is not free.
My mind, a whirlpool of things here and there,
My heart, a bleeding, from emotions and my cares.

But yet I would not trade this for anything,
For I am serving you, and so may I sing.
I have prayed for this day, when time be yours alone,
The world no longer holding, as I bow before your throne.

T'is joy in knowing, that by your strength I survive,
That only in my surrender and service can I say I am alive!
I depend upon your countenance for each day's joy and peace,
Only in communion with you doth my joy and peace increase.

And so I learn to trust, my Lord, my strength, my life,
Towards your throne, I let out a mighty sigh.
Picking up your cross, I stride along ahead,
Its burden light, for at the end you wait with arms spread.

Lord, thank you for lifting my spirits up a little... Just came back from ministering/fellowship with two brothers... Sigh... Lord, I needed that in some ways. Though now I may be at a loss, I yet have such a peace within me. Though many call me mad for what I am doing, I would not trade what I am doing now for any other life... But not my will but Thine...

"Greater love have no man than that he give his life for another."

And so I give my life for others... Not only in death, but in my present time, I give my all for the glory of Your kingdom God... May I learn to forsake even more...

And Lord, I pray raise up a helper for me, if it be in Your will... But not my will but Thine...

Raise up your army... Raise up co workers to strive with me for your glory...
Even if I may never see them, may more go out into the harvest...

In Christ most precious name, I draw strength from You once again...
Amen

Its getting MAD!!! (No Poetry)

Wahhh... Today, I cannot bring myself to write in literary prose... Just finished school. I realise how lost I am, yet for the first time in my life I am commited to studying for Christ...

My mind is really at a really really weak point. My studies, my christian commitments... Sigh... Just in about 2 hours I will be meeting two brothers one of whom I am discipling by going to their house and meeting even their parents who are quite against Christianity, esp. for the brother that I am discipling. So I his teacher will be going to meet his parents... And I have not prepared to minister to them, nor do I even feel up to it... Sigh... ADONAI!!! I call upon you in this name, because I cannot take much more alone, and yet I have only started. I need your spirit to help me, I am too weak...

And my emotions have been a roller coaster for the past 6 months... Sigh... Even now, I smile, only for God... T'is only in the arms of God that I may find peace... Otherwise my heart is in such a turmoil... And yet I spend each day laughing??? May I delight in you... Though I may not feel like it, may I continue in my effort to encourage and grow people towards you, for if I have not love, I have nothing... Help me still to love, even through sorrow and pain...

I remember before my army started I asked God, "So How?" He said prepare... I have a feeling now, 3 years down the road, it is time to prepare and also pick up my weapons and start fighting... I have never had a time like that... But I declare war with Jehovah Nissi as my banner, flying over my head... I will not let the enemy triumph over me, but i need you Lord...

In the past 6 months since returning from Brunei, you have led me through a roller coaster, I see now that that was part of your final preparations before what is happening now... May I never forget the lessons you have taught me then...

Especially that valuable lesson of communion and trust... I may never see victory in this world, but heaven waits before me, and in communion with Christ i may glimpse that heaven... And that alone is my only and main source of power and driving force... May it always be... For you know, that there is little on earth that truly may satiate me now Lord, I await death and eternal sanctuary...

Lord, this is a heartfelt cry from my heart,
" 我以后不在乎人生一个人走，
我眼中只有十字架， 我永不回头。
不管任和事，我对您的承诺不变，
可以投入您的怀抱，我就是等那一天."(Chinese Characters)

I live for Christ alone... May I remember all you have taught, especially, that joy that I may have in sorrow, that comes from the concious decision to place my trust in you. And may You be all that I need, and may You be all that I live...

I surrender...

There is Joy through Sorrow...

There are times on earth when all dun seem well,
We hide the pain in our hearts, so others cannot tell.
Yet the wrenching within tears within us an open wound,
And except for the pain, for all else there is no room.

Perhaps a love, you cannot fulfill?
Or a feeling of helplessness within that you cannot still?
Perhaps your family, somehow is wrong,
Or your friends, somehow you dun belong.

So much pain in this world, wherever you go,
How people make it through, I do not know.
But for me, I have Christ, and his ever-lasting love,
That though pain overwhelms, Him will I still serve.

For through it all, no matter what,
Real joy will always fill my heart.
As long as in everything big and small,
I learn to trust him and live by his call...

This is the crux of loving God... In the psalms, the psalmist oft presents first, his problem, then after that his concept of God... The thing is often, like the psalmist things happen to us that we believe should not especially if we are in the arms of God. What is happening around us comes into contrast with who we think God is. (E.G. God is peace, so we should have peace. God loves me, so I should always be happy.) Either that OR, we oursleves are lamenting over ourselves and the people around... We cannot understand why we feel a certain way and we lament over our own feelings...

But in the end, we must all end as the psalmist does, in trust of God.... That is where you will find the peace of Christ... At that final decision of trust in the plan of God, even if the remedy does not come during our lifetime... Place your eyes upon heaven and the eternal, that is the only place i can confirm you will not be disappointed...

So may we all come to trust him more and more...

Lord, You know that even as I strive to serve you more and more, yet there is so much sorrow in my heart... That Lord, there is pain there. Yet through it all I can find joy... Joy in you and through communion with you... Thank you Lord... I love you... And I will serve you through all the pain... For I know that eternity waits before me as my reward...

I live with the end in mind...