Its getting MAD!!! (No Poetry)

Wahhh... Today, I cannot bring myself to write in literary prose... Just finished school. I realise how lost I am, yet for the first time in my life I am commited to studying for Christ...

My mind is really at a really really weak point. My studies, my christian commitments... Sigh... Just in about 2 hours I will be meeting two brothers one of whom I am discipling by going to their house and meeting even their parents who are quite against Christianity, esp. for the brother that I am discipling. So I his teacher will be going to meet his parents... And I have not prepared to minister to them, nor do I even feel up to it... Sigh... ADONAI!!! I call upon you in this name, because I cannot take much more alone, and yet I have only started. I need your spirit to help me, I am too weak...

And my emotions have been a roller coaster for the past 6 months... Sigh... Even now, I smile, only for God... T'is only in the arms of God that I may find peace... Otherwise my heart is in such a turmoil... And yet I spend each day laughing??? May I delight in you... Though I may not feel like it, may I continue in my effort to encourage and grow people towards you, for if I have not love, I have nothing... Help me still to love, even through sorrow and pain...

I remember before my army started I asked God, "So How?" He said prepare... I have a feeling now, 3 years down the road, it is time to prepare and also pick up my weapons and start fighting... I have never had a time like that... But I declare war with Jehovah Nissi as my banner, flying over my head... I will not let the enemy triumph over me, but i need you Lord...

In the past 6 months since returning from Brunei, you have led me through a roller coaster, I see now that that was part of your final preparations before what is happening now... May I never forget the lessons you have taught me then...

Especially that valuable lesson of communion and trust... I may never see victory in this world, but heaven waits before me, and in communion with Christ i may glimpse that heaven... And that alone is my only and main source of power and driving force... May it always be... For you know, that there is little on earth that truly may satiate me now Lord, I await death and eternal sanctuary...

Lord, this is a heartfelt cry from my heart,
" 我以后不在乎人生一个人走，
我眼中只有十字架， 我永不回头。
不管任和事，我对您的承诺不变，
可以投入您的怀抱，我就是等那一天."(Chinese Characters)

I live for Christ alone... May I remember all you have taught, especially, that joy that I may have in sorrow, that comes from the concious decision to place my trust in you. And may You be all that I need, and may You be all that I live...

I surrender...